To Receive an Answer to Your Question

We are going to practice this in the context of a common situation in which you need to repeat your question in order to assert your right to a proper answer. The situation is returning a faulty clock to the shop where you bought it, and dealing with the shop assistant who may be helpful or may try to avoid his responsibilities in this matter.

• Example:
• Student: I am returning this faulty clock. Can I please have my money back?
• Coach: Come back another day, please Madam.
• Student: That is not necessary as I am here now. Please return my payment as the clock is faulty.
• Coach: I'll check the product then Madam.
• Student: Thank you.

The emphasis is on getting the point across, not being fobbed off but obtaining a valid response to your question, whilst maintaining politeness and a positive tone. Practice with other situations in which you need to get your point across or obtain an appropriate answer to your question. The Coach makes sure the elements of attention, intention, duplication and acknowledgement are in place, to form a complete cycle of communication.

Each One of Us Has the Right to...

• Say no to a request.
• Not give other people reasons for every action we take.
• Stop others from making excessive demands on us.
• Ask other people to listen to our point of view when we speak to them.
• Ask other people to correct errors they made which effect us.
• Change our minds.
• Ask other people to compromise rather than get only what they want.
• Ask other people to do things for us.
• Persist in making a request if people won't respond the first time.
• Be alone if we wish.
• Maintain our dignity in relationships.
• Evaluate our own behaviors and not just listen to evaluations that others offer.
• Make mistakes and accept responsibility for them.
• Avoid manipulation by other people.
• Pick our own friends without consulting our parents, peers, or anyone else.
• Let other people know how we are feeling.

When Criticizing Others...

• Make your comments specific.
• Attempt to provide the person with some valuable information.
• Help them to understand exactly what needs to change.
• Be sure the criticized behavior can be changed.
• If the person can do nothing about the problem, you will probably just make things worse by being critical of it.
• Use assertive communication (that means be confident and assured dof your rights, but not forceful or antagonistic).
• Speak calmly and try not to let your emotions dictate the conversation.
• Try not to shame, humiliate, or blame the person.
• Give the person a reason to change.
• Inform them of any benefits which might come out of acting on your suggestions.
• Time your criticisms well.
• Avoid criticizing someone in public.
• Wait until the person is in a reasonably good mood.
• View constructive criticism as feedback not punishment.
• Positive change should be your goal.

Ask Closed & Open Questions

There are two types of question:

The closed question which demands a single answer. For example: 'How old are you?' 'What time is it?' 'Did you go to the concert last night?'

The open question which demands an unlimited amount of information. For example, ask an opinion, that may build on the answer to a closed question: 'What was the concert like?'

In pairs, ask your partner a closed question followed by an open question. Your partner gives the answers to each of these questions. To show you have listened properly, repeat or paraphrase the answer to the open question back to your partner, who corrects you or acknowledges that you duplicated their answer properly.

When you have this mastered, then swap over roles. Remember to ensure that previous exercises are still being practiced, i.e. that you are comfortably being and accepting what is, without going into a reactive mode; that you communicate with adequate intention to reach and be understood clearly; that you always obtain an answer to your question, and acknowledge the answer.

When receiving an answer to your open question, sometimes it helps to show you are listening and understanding by giving a HALF-ACKNOWLEDGEMENT - this is not a strong acknowledgement that would end the cycle of communication prematurely, but just a small nod of the head or 'hm-hm' or similar, that helps to keep the flow going.

Also, the requirement not to be reactive in response to the other does not mean you should be impassive. For example, you would respond naturally to a humorous remark, or say 'I understand' to an intimate one. However, two things it is very important NOT TO DO:

1. Invalidate the information that you obtain.
2. Impose your evaluation about the information received.

In counseling, these are the BIG SINS, as the aim of therapy is to encourage the individual to express their feelings, to look newly and without fear, in order to see more clearly. The person needs to discover for themselves, and any invalidation or evaluation ruins the process.

But even in everyday relationships, to invalidate the other's opinion or to give your irrelevant or premature evaluation is most unhelpful. Give facts and ask pertinent questions, but never tell someone they are wrong or give your opinion before they ask you.

You listen to what the other person says and ask further questions as necessary, for example if you didn't understand what was meant or if you need clarification or more information. These are called clarifying and extending questions.

Examples:

• Statement: 'People can be very lazy sometimes.'
• Clarifying questions: 'In what situations do you find people lazy?' 'All people?'
• Extending question: 'What other characteristics do you ascribe to people in general?'

Questions & Answers

In this exercise you pose a question to your partner from a prepared list (see below). The partner replies and then asks you what the reply was. So you need to listen! Then you ask a further clarifying or extending question, followed by your partner asking you what the reply was to that, and so on. Remember to ensure that previous exercises are still being practiced, i.e. that you are comfortably being and accepting what is, without going into a reactive mode; that you communicate with adequate intention to reach and be understood clearly; that you always obtain an answer to your question, and acknowledge the answer.

LIST OF QUESTIONS

These are questions about you - your values, your beliefs and your life. Love, money, sex, integrity, generosity, pride and death are all here. To respond to these questions, you will need to examine and interpret your past, project yourself into hypothetical situations, face difficult dilemmas and make painful choices. There are no correct or incorrect answers to these questions, only honest or dishonest ones. Let yourself be swept up in these situations, so that you care about the choices you make. Your partner will ask questions to get you to expand your answers and pursue interesting tangents - give your imagination full rein.

1. What could you do today?

2. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

3. Do you have any specific long-term goal? How do you plan on reaching it? In what way will reaching this goal make your life more satisfying?

4. If you could choose the manner of your death, what would it be? How do your feelings about death influence the way you lead your life?

5. Which people do you hate? Why ?

6. What is your most treasured memory?

7. What would constitute a 'perfect' evening for you?

8. Do you think men or women have it easier in our culture? Have you ever wished you were of the opposite sex?

9. If you were to die right now, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

10. In what way does a person inspire you?

11. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one ability or quality, what would it be?

12. Is there anything so important that you would sacrifice your very soul for it?

13. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Is there anything that you hope to do that is even better?

14. What was your most enjoyable dream? Your worst nightmare?

15. Have you ever been attracted to someone of the same sex? To someone in your family? If so, how did you deal with it?

16. Given the choice of anyone in the world, who would you want as your lover?

17. When you tell a story, how do you exaggerate or embellish it? Why?

18. In what way do you feel in control of the course of your life?

19. For what reason did you last yell at someone?

20. Do you have any considerations about eating meat?

21. Would you feel ill at ease going alone to the cinema? What about going on holiday by yourself?

22. In what way would you like to be famous?

23. How would you like to be remembered after you die? What would you like said at your funeral? Whom would you like to speak?

24. How much would it bother you to have an ugly, stupid or crippled child?

25. How would you play in a game against someone much less talented than you? Would it matter who was watching?

26. Is there something you've dreamed of doing for a very long time? Why haven't you done it?

27. What are your most compulsive habits? Do you regularly struggle to break any of these habits?

28. What from your childhood has proven most valuable? Most difficult to overcome?

29. What could make life not worth living?

30. If you were unconcerned about what others would think, what might you do?

31. Would you like to wake up in another person's body tomorrow?

32. How do you feel about God?

37. Who is the most important person in your life? What could you do to improve the relationship? Will you do it?

38. What would you change about the way that you were raised? In what ways would you treat your children differently?

39. What things do you do, that you don't want to do? Why?

40. If you found yourself on a nudist beach, how would you feel? How much do you like your body?

41. What is too serious to be joked about?

42. Do you have a favourite sexual fantasy? Would you like to have it fulfilled?

43. What do you value most in a relationship?

44. If there was a public execution on television, how would you feel?

45. What things are too personal to discuss with others?

46. How would you feel about becoming paralysed?

47. When was the last time you stole something? Why haven't you stolen anything since then?

48. Is there anything anyone could have told you that would have made your first sexual experience better?

49. What do you like best about your life? What do you like least?

50. How do you feel about someone more successful than you?

51. What things do you do, to favourably impress other people?

52. Do you think it is bad to break a promise? What does it take for you to trust someone?

53. What would you never willingly sacrifice?

54. How much impact do you have on the people you meet? Has someone you met significantly influenced your life?

55. In what way would you like to have more physical contact? Could you initiate it?

56. What has been your biggest disappointment in life? Your biggest success?

57. How do you rate your physical attractiveness? Your intelligence? Your personality?

58. Are there any drugs you would enjoy trying given a legal opportunity to do so? What appeals to you about such drugs?

59. If you could determine the dream you will have tonight, what would it be?

60. Given the chance, is there a time you would return to?

61. What would you like to be doing five years from now? What do you think you will be doing five years from now?

62. What is the most embarrassing thing you can imagine? What bothers you about looking silly in front of strangers?

63 Have you ever wanted to kill someone, or wished someone dead? Could you look into the person's eyes and stab the person to death?

64. Do you find anything disturbing about immortality? What age seems ideal to you?

65. How much do you expect from someone who loves you? What would make you feel betrayed?

66. Do you feel you have enough time? If not, what would give you that feeling?

67. What kind of people do you like to spend time with? What do such people bring out in you that others do not?

-- AnarchistU - 14 Jun 2006